What is it that makes us want something? What is that one thing that drives us to find an answer, to reach out and grasp something? I think it’s a mixture of things, fear, inspiration, bravery, honor, character, and the fight. I’ve done a lot of thinking it seems, certain things dull my life every once in a while, certain questions make me think, and I can never find an answer, maybe its because I am me.
I’ve always been curious, always thrilled to go after that next big hunt, the next big thing. What is it that drives me curiosity so much? Hmph if it were only that easy. I’ve had several defining moments in my life, several things that changed me, made me who I am today, some were small, some where big, but they all left their mark. The scars on my hands and on my knees have mostly healed, its amazing how the human body can just replace dead cells, practically regenerate the superficial skin of your body. Why isn’t the human mind like that, why do souls get scarred, characters change? Why, why, why? So many questions and I have no way to answer I can only assume, only hypothesize and experiment from my own past, from those I have witnessed, and I can use my observational skills to piece things together, but never can I answer the questions that are THE most important to me.
Lets start with talent, every person is born unique, no one person will EVER be alike, although people can have the same potential. I have seen people go through life an natural talent, something they were born with, whether it be the ability to make words flow together, coalesce into a beautiful and tragic story, or someone who is beautiful and flaunts that making others want to be like them, idolize them. I am talented in another way, im gifted with the capacity to observe, absorb and commit, in other words by watching things around me and taking them in eventually whether through practice or knowledge I can duplicate the product, but is it the same? I’m the epiphany of what could have been, I was gifted with a tall stature, large frame, capacity to endure pain, and a wit to match the best, but its slowly rotting away, slowly eating itself up.
Two years ago I graduated high school, and for something that is so big in people’s life it seemed so little to me, not because it didn’t mean anything, but because it was so simple, it was too easy. Although I took college level courses they proved only a slight challenge, and those that I got bored with I ultimately didn’t put any effort into. I coasted through classes off of my ability to absorb things, I aced tests without ever studying, I learned answers by piecing things together and because of this it required little effort to pass. College loomed ahead and I had no direction, I had my family wishing I would go to college but none of them really helped me, none of them gave me the inspiration to go further. Now I sit here and I WANT to go back to college, I want to find something to apply myself to, something to strive for, but I have no clue what.
What I like to do, that’s what they ask me. I like to talk to people, figure out who they are, figure out their ticks and nuances. I like to write and read and learn new things about everything. I love to design and build things, and get self gratitude when I accomplish something that was done well, but I need that outside support, for me self gratification isn’t enough unfortunately. I can be a loner, grow old to be a hermit, but I wouldn’t be happy, I wouldn’t be miserable, I would just be. So lets reflect on a few more things that have helped shape who I am.
Let’s start with my Mother, oh my sweet and darling mother. She never was a great mom, sure she kept me dressed and warm, most of the time, but she had a lot of help. My aunt raised my sister, my grandparents helped keep us under a roof and not hungry. I can’t remember my dad from my childhood, although I’ve grown up around him, I can remember my mother and my sister and my grandparents, but not my dad. That’s probably a good thing; he isn’t the best person to take after. My mom has had a drug habit since before I was born, not crack or anything like that, “just pot” but its as debilitating as the rest, more so even in my opinion. Oh sure its not as harmful as the others but its overly underestimated cause it’s the one most people say “I could quit anytime if I wanted to”, and those people are so delusional. I can’t really remember living more then 5 years in any one place, I went to more then half a dozen schools.
Nothing really bad happened until I was 13, my moms boyfriend was an absolute control freak, and I was used to a life of my own, one that I took care of while my mom slept, worked and went out. He didn’t like that, he couldn’t take my rebel and solo attitude so he slapped me, the first time caught me by surprise, the second time just made me wonder if I was wrong, the third time just set me off. Needless to say I was out of there at 13 and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle.
They weren’t bad at keeping me there. They made sure there was food and that I was warm, but they weren’t parents, they never learned to be there until you did something wrong, and since I was on my own I did plenty wrong. I worked a lot through my teens, held a job from 17-19 almost full time while going to school. I payed rent, my car insurance, my lunch, my school bills, and even for some of my food. I never got to experience the stress of having to ace a test, or worrying about going to college, because if I worried about that stuff then I probably would have blew up all over again.
How the years went by, the friends I exchanged, the people I met in high school. My senior year was probably the best. I was making enough that I had nothing to worry about, I could afford to go out and really I just wanted to have fun so I really slacked off. I didn’t really decide what I wanted to go to school for, my teachers were all fooled by my act of trying my hardest to find a college and then graduation and probably the worst thing to happen to me yet, love.
I thought I had been in love with a girl before but, now that I look back at it, I don’t think it was actually love. She was a great friend someone I could relax around and liked me for who I am, but I wore on her and she ended up wearing on me. I still love her as a friend, as someone who helped me find a bit more of myself. It didn’t take long until I fell in love again, and this one was the real thing for me. It was the crush that turned serious that turned into something I wanted forever, but she was young and I didn’t realize this, I was blinded by what I wanted by the curiosity, for once I didn’t see everything in front of me, and couldn’t connect the pieces.
When that ended my life shattered almost and I picked every piece up little by little and put it away for safe keeping. I saw the flaws in myself, the little lies I had deluded myself with and I choose that I would go on, but it hurt. Months, yes it took me months to recover to finally get over it enough to function, and I found a friend. I didn’t even look at her being anything more at the time I started talking to her, I was interested in someone else that ultimately turned out to be nothing like what I thought her to be. But this friend was different, I told her about the heartache and everything and she sympathized and cared but she beat the CRAP out of me.
She wouldn’t give me ground on anything, she called me out on every little corner, at every little lie I tried to tell myself. Ha! I still smile at how fun those first days where and all the days to come, she was a sassy one, and is more so now. I consider her more then a friend now, 6 months now I have saw that I fell for her, never noticing when it actually happened. Truth is I had fun around her, I could let that little kid in me out to play and she didn’t care, no she actually nurtured it, she was like me. As she put it “born on the same page”, although we differ on things we seem to think alike and have a lot in common. She is still pushing me as this new year rolls along, and she will continue to do so in the future, I can almost guarantee it. I have found a couple others that are promising but none quite like her, none that would kick me in the ass to get me moving and do it again if I didn’t take the first one serious.
So with the start of 2008, the new year, the year I just completely become myself im going to finally set my goals. I will finally apply myself to something, and something that’s not foolish like love. I will put effort into making myself a future and I’ll do so happy for once. I can’t think her enough for the few little lights she has lit, but I know that I’ll pay her back two hundred fold and more, I’ll love this girl whether I get to be with her or not. I’ll love her cause she accepts me for the slacker and child I am and see the man hidden in it all, and even if we can’t be together if everything doesn’t work out, I know we’ll still be friends to the bitter end, or her killing me!
