I'm one of those people that is never understood. I've kept myself holed up inside my walls for too long that i forget how to do anything besides look out. I've learned yet another lesson, another quota of pain reached in a mere fifth of my life.
I know your gonna read this i know your gonna see it and think that i dont understand your reasons but you need to know that your not looking your not understanding ME. I dont think you ever really tried, you never saw how much i loved you how truely i loved you. I would have never left you for another girl no matter who it was even if i entertained the idea. I wanted to be with you forever i thought that it would work out even in the toughest times when it hurt to go home to an empty room and wake up in a empty bed. It hurts me so much to be alone but i did it for you, i didn't take the security of making you my girlfriend so that you could have the chance to actually be loved. Im not sure if im capable of loving im so lost all the time.
Im stuck with my childhood i hate it i wish i was never born most of the time. I dont even remember my child hood, ask me a year and a time or a place i dont remember it. Sure the traumatic moments stick out clearly but i dont remember hardly anything from birth to eleven. That child hood and all the pain caused me to build a great deal of walls and maze to my heart. There are dozens of scars lining that heart of mine the one that has forgotten how to go outside those walls, a name for every person that i have loved and has caused me pain through betrayel or just out of not knowing, dont worry you are the latter.
I loved you so much. I was distant when we were apart because i wanted it to be easy for you to go for the guy that asked you out. I didn't want you to when you did i wanted to call you and beg you, plead to take me back. I wanted to tell you i needed you and that i would try harder but it wasn't right, thats why i ran away. I got to know you so well, it hurt to watch you do things that i knew hurt your body or mind, it hurt to watch you suffer cause you had no one there to hold you and make things better. I'm sorry that i couldn't help i honestly didn't know how, i tried so hard. I stayed up thinking about how i could change things, how i could make us be together for longer or permanent but there was always that wall of pain of a past not ever forgotten.
I wont change who i am but i have to change how i feel. the path in life that we walked together is gone and past and i dont think they will ever join again. So we can walk through life as friends on seperate paths, talking and joking and having fun. You hurt me but its not your fault i want you to know that, i could never say it and you know it, but its the truth. I love you and i will always cherish the time we spent in love and the time from now on as friends. I have some walls to knock down and some things to deal with and i hope all my friends are there to help when i need it.
1 comment:
When you first posted this, I was so sad. As time went by and events unfolded I got very angry. Now even more time has past and the pain has gotten easier. I don't understand a lot about what you said because your actions don't match the words.
At first, I couldn't go one day without remembering and feeling so much pain. I did everything I could to distract myself from the betrayal and the indifference. I think we both felt betrayed. I know I am not without fault.
I don't really think there is any opportunity for us to reconcile as friends because we both tend to hold onto things like this. I learned a lot from our time together and our ending. I learned to be very honest about my expectations.
You need to learn to take what you want. You said that you distanced yourself so that I could find love, but that you would never have left me for someone else. Next time you find someone who really speaks to you, who you are drawn to and who you love, tell her. Don't qualify your desires. Everyone deserves to find love, and sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and know that you are worth it.
You will probably never read this, I doubt you come back here. If you do, just know that I want you to be happy.
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