I'm one of those people that is never understood. I've kept myself holed up inside my walls for too long that i forget how to do anything besides look out. I've learned yet another lesson, another quota of pain reached in a mere fifth of my life.
I know your gonna read this i know your gonna see it and think that i dont understand your reasons but you need to know that your not looking your not understanding ME. I dont think you ever really tried, you never saw how much i loved you how truely i loved you. I would have never left you for another girl no matter who it was even if i entertained the idea. I wanted to be with you forever i thought that it would work out even in the toughest times when it hurt to go home to an empty room and wake up in a empty bed. It hurts me so much to be alone but i did it for you, i didn't take the security of making you my girlfriend so that you could have the chance to actually be loved. Im not sure if im capable of loving im so lost all the time.
Im stuck with my childhood i hate it i wish i was never born most of the time. I dont even remember my child hood, ask me a year and a time or a place i dont remember it. Sure the traumatic moments stick out clearly but i dont remember hardly anything from birth to eleven. That child hood and all the pain caused me to build a great deal of walls and maze to my heart. There are dozens of scars lining that heart of mine the one that has forgotten how to go outside those walls, a name for every person that i have loved and has caused me pain through betrayel or just out of not knowing, dont worry you are the latter.
I loved you so much. I was distant when we were apart because i wanted it to be easy for you to go for the guy that asked you out. I didn't want you to when you did i wanted to call you and beg you, plead to take me back. I wanted to tell you i needed you and that i would try harder but it wasn't right, thats why i ran away. I got to know you so well, it hurt to watch you do things that i knew hurt your body or mind, it hurt to watch you suffer cause you had no one there to hold you and make things better. I'm sorry that i couldn't help i honestly didn't know how, i tried so hard. I stayed up thinking about how i could change things, how i could make us be together for longer or permanent but there was always that wall of pain of a past not ever forgotten.
I wont change who i am but i have to change how i feel. the path in life that we walked together is gone and past and i dont think they will ever join again. So we can walk through life as friends on seperate paths, talking and joking and having fun. You hurt me but its not your fault i want you to know that, i could never say it and you know it, but its the truth. I love you and i will always cherish the time we spent in love and the time from now on as friends. I have some walls to knock down and some things to deal with and i hope all my friends are there to help when i need it.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
falling over the edge and looking down
I know your out there, some how you know im here. Your that person that'll hold me in your arms as i fall, wipe away the tears that fall helping to hold up my walls. I've built them so strong and so high to hold my self up to keep everything in. Yet when i let go it hurts so much, feeling betrayed my soul hides from my heart.
Theres a secret i hide so deep, one that no one would think is true, yet lies so close to the surface. Im a kid at heart and soul, im a child deep inside too scared to come out and face the world. He sheds his tears inside of me, my eyes glisten with the unshed wetness of my growing days. Slowly i forget who i am and what i've done, the world passing me by and tearing me away. Im becoming a man that wasn't the same as the boy, being forced away my mind seperates my heart and soul, my life forever altered and changed. There are truths that no one seems to realize so i hide them away.
For those that read this blog i just want to let you know that you've seen inside me further then any friend or family. Im yours to lay bare and hold close or push away and in some way you've taken a part of my soul inside of you, as it falls apart.
Theres a secret i hide so deep, one that no one would think is true, yet lies so close to the surface. Im a kid at heart and soul, im a child deep inside too scared to come out and face the world. He sheds his tears inside of me, my eyes glisten with the unshed wetness of my growing days. Slowly i forget who i am and what i've done, the world passing me by and tearing me away. Im becoming a man that wasn't the same as the boy, being forced away my mind seperates my heart and soul, my life forever altered and changed. There are truths that no one seems to realize so i hide them away.
For those that read this blog i just want to let you know that you've seen inside me further then any friend or family. Im yours to lay bare and hold close or push away and in some way you've taken a part of my soul inside of you, as it falls apart.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dont take that step, dont walk away
I've always said that no one should be afraid to get hurt, pain lets you know that your alive. I've always embraced whatever pains comes to me, take it in full and weather it out. I'm not sure if i can take anymore pain, not sure if i can trust myself to let it hurt.
I'm so tired of this pain,
This endless lonliness
My mind broken and unused
my heart shattered and confused
So i can't help but scream
cant help but let it out
Sometimes i wish it were a dream
a fever or some bout.
I'm so tired of this pain,
This endless lonliness
My mind broken and unused
my heart shattered and confused
So i can't help but scream
cant help but let it out
Sometimes i wish it were a dream
a fever or some bout.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
uncontrolled, undeniable and forgotten
There are so many things in my life that i think i could change, so many things that would put me on a different course to the future. I try not to think about how crappy my life is, how uncontrolled its been in the past and how im too scared to make that leep and take a road that would be good for me. I know not where to start this change that is needed so badly, something to set my life straight so i'll just lay out everything.
Where to start is always the first question. I was born into an already failed relationship, son of a father who wanted only a piece of ass, son to a mother who cared only about herself and getting high to escape life, and brother to a sister that blames me for losing her family. The earliest parts of my life are barely a memory, the only thing left are a couple baby pictures and houses i'm told i lived in. I have scars to prove the stories, i have family to prove that im loved, i have no memories to tell me that i ever lived before the age of 6.
First thing i can remember of my life was living on a farm about half a mile away from my cousin. My cousin was really my brother we had always been together, my accomplice in everything and nothing. I remember a california king size bed in my room with no toys, a scary old tree outside the window that used to keep me up at night. I remember being sick, always feeling like crap but trying to have fun as a kid. I remember my mom puting weed in my backpack and sending me on the bus into town, her little delivery boy who didn't know better. I remember her driving me home in a van, drugged out of her mind and rolling it over in a ditch (still hills and vehicles creep me out to this day). I remember going to sleep without dinner several times because i didn't want to eat food i was allergic to. I remember all my stuff being stolen by my druggy uncles.
Ya my life was pretty tragic, i'll admit that it sucked. I went to atleast 7 different grade schools that i can remember. Lived in 10 different homes, 5 different cities/towns, and never really a family to speak of. I can remember making myself dinner(ate a lot of hot dogs and top ramen while growing up) while my mom layed in her room high out of her mind until she went to work. I remember my mom forcing me out of my grandma's with only a trashbag full of clothes. There are so many bad memories, yet thats all i remember. I dont remember the christmas's that im shown on videos, nor the birthdays where im smiling and opening my presents. I dont remember the happiness of being a kid.
Pain has etched itself into who i am, i can't avoid it, so i dont try to escape it. I've been abondoned over an abusive boyfriend, been treated like a house servant by my "adoptive" family. Been told im a genius and could accomplish great things if only i tried. I've given up so much part of my life, isolated myself from everything else because i dont want anything more to go away. Im so self conscious that i wont even make friends, afraid they might laugh at me if i asked them to hang out or find me annoying. I bring so much pain to myself and i know its bad, but i dont have the motivation to turn my life around, im simply to scared to try and fight it.
There's a turning point for me somewhere, something that i really really want to find, but im scared to find it. I can't see what im gonna do in the future, i have no ambition but to find someone who will want to spend their time with me, who will be there for me to help me through the rougher days, and someone who wont go away. I've found a girl i love and want, found someone who makes me happy, but shes so far away so hard to hold onto. i've been mean to her, said the wrong things because i have no other way of putting things out there then in the rawest and harshest of forms. I dont know how to tell her that i love her so much and it hurts me so much to say those things to her. I can't explain how lonely i am and even how much more lonely i feel in those too brief moments we are together because i know we'll just have to leave each other. I'm 22 with the emotionality of a boy, still scared and frieghtened of the world around him, not knowing what waits out there.
Im lost in the world, inside my own emotions and mind. Plagued by nightmares of a good life and happyness. I hate my life as it is, even though its the most stable its ever been, but its not enough. At this time and moment im the most helpless i've ever been and yet i have the ability to take myself to a place where i'll be happy. Im the child of lost love, child of fallen faith, son of societies worst, brother of none and all. Im the final source of pain and hurt, the source of my own end.
Where to start is always the first question. I was born into an already failed relationship, son of a father who wanted only a piece of ass, son to a mother who cared only about herself and getting high to escape life, and brother to a sister that blames me for losing her family. The earliest parts of my life are barely a memory, the only thing left are a couple baby pictures and houses i'm told i lived in. I have scars to prove the stories, i have family to prove that im loved, i have no memories to tell me that i ever lived before the age of 6.
First thing i can remember of my life was living on a farm about half a mile away from my cousin. My cousin was really my brother we had always been together, my accomplice in everything and nothing. I remember a california king size bed in my room with no toys, a scary old tree outside the window that used to keep me up at night. I remember being sick, always feeling like crap but trying to have fun as a kid. I remember my mom puting weed in my backpack and sending me on the bus into town, her little delivery boy who didn't know better. I remember her driving me home in a van, drugged out of her mind and rolling it over in a ditch (still hills and vehicles creep me out to this day). I remember going to sleep without dinner several times because i didn't want to eat food i was allergic to. I remember all my stuff being stolen by my druggy uncles.
Ya my life was pretty tragic, i'll admit that it sucked. I went to atleast 7 different grade schools that i can remember. Lived in 10 different homes, 5 different cities/towns, and never really a family to speak of. I can remember making myself dinner(ate a lot of hot dogs and top ramen while growing up) while my mom layed in her room high out of her mind until she went to work. I remember my mom forcing me out of my grandma's with only a trashbag full of clothes. There are so many bad memories, yet thats all i remember. I dont remember the christmas's that im shown on videos, nor the birthdays where im smiling and opening my presents. I dont remember the happiness of being a kid.
Pain has etched itself into who i am, i can't avoid it, so i dont try to escape it. I've been abondoned over an abusive boyfriend, been treated like a house servant by my "adoptive" family. Been told im a genius and could accomplish great things if only i tried. I've given up so much part of my life, isolated myself from everything else because i dont want anything more to go away. Im so self conscious that i wont even make friends, afraid they might laugh at me if i asked them to hang out or find me annoying. I bring so much pain to myself and i know its bad, but i dont have the motivation to turn my life around, im simply to scared to try and fight it.
There's a turning point for me somewhere, something that i really really want to find, but im scared to find it. I can't see what im gonna do in the future, i have no ambition but to find someone who will want to spend their time with me, who will be there for me to help me through the rougher days, and someone who wont go away. I've found a girl i love and want, found someone who makes me happy, but shes so far away so hard to hold onto. i've been mean to her, said the wrong things because i have no other way of putting things out there then in the rawest and harshest of forms. I dont know how to tell her that i love her so much and it hurts me so much to say those things to her. I can't explain how lonely i am and even how much more lonely i feel in those too brief moments we are together because i know we'll just have to leave each other. I'm 22 with the emotionality of a boy, still scared and frieghtened of the world around him, not knowing what waits out there.
Im lost in the world, inside my own emotions and mind. Plagued by nightmares of a good life and happyness. I hate my life as it is, even though its the most stable its ever been, but its not enough. At this time and moment im the most helpless i've ever been and yet i have the ability to take myself to a place where i'll be happy. Im the child of lost love, child of fallen faith, son of societies worst, brother of none and all. Im the final source of pain and hurt, the source of my own end.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I dont wanna
I can't take it anymore. I hate being the responsible kid, the one that never does anything wrong besides maybe forgets to take out the garbage cause hes playing a video game. I HATE being the one that holds a full-time or 2 jobs at a time. I want to be a GOD DAMN KID. I want to go out and party without getting disapproving looks from my family because im the good child. I wonder how my family sees me, how they percieve me as this angelic guy. I hold myself up in their image trying to please them, trying to make everyone around me happy, but i simply can't take it anymore. Im gonna throw on some clothes one day and not come back for a week. Disappear off the face of the earth and i'll love every minute, and i'll hold sacred every second. Im 21 and already have a routine, what days i pay my bills, what days i work and what days i have to do lawn work. I know what days i could possibly go out and have fun and for how long. There isn't one spontateous bone in my entire body. I just wish that someone would come and pull me out by my hair. Rip me into their world.
I've figured it out, finally. I need to be free, even if it hurts those around me. I can endure the pain from seeing the saddened faces and the disappointed looks. IM TIRED of being so angelic and nice. I strive for more then i want. People ask me what i want in life and my answer is so simple its stupid. I want a job, i want someone to hold and hold me at night, i maybe want a few rugrats to keep me busy. It would be so simple, so easy, so me. I dont care if i was shoveling shit for 50 hours a week so long as i had those other things. Those are the things that make my world, those are the things that'll make me as happy as i want to be. So i ask all you that read this, NO i dare you. Come find me and see if you have what it takes to live in my world, see if you can live this simple and carefree life. Lol and if you think im complicated then your looking through the eyes of someone who looks too far.
I've figured it out, finally. I need to be free, even if it hurts those around me. I can endure the pain from seeing the saddened faces and the disappointed looks. IM TIRED of being so angelic and nice. I strive for more then i want. People ask me what i want in life and my answer is so simple its stupid. I want a job, i want someone to hold and hold me at night, i maybe want a few rugrats to keep me busy. It would be so simple, so easy, so me. I dont care if i was shoveling shit for 50 hours a week so long as i had those other things. Those are the things that make my world, those are the things that'll make me as happy as i want to be. So i ask all you that read this, NO i dare you. Come find me and see if you have what it takes to live in my world, see if you can live this simple and carefree life. Lol and if you think im complicated then your looking through the eyes of someone who looks too far.
Missing or Lost
Im tired of running away, from myself. I twist and turn through the roads of life hoping never to cross the roads i've already traveled, the ruins of heartbreak and the desolation of the abandonment. I hide from them and fight my way through them trying to come out unscathed and unharmed. I put up a good front, hide the cuts and scars but if you were to hold a glass up and look inside you would see the festering wounds, visages of my past.
Oh dont get me wrong this post is brought by a depressing mood that came over me but im STILL happy. As happy as one can be when he feels a part of him is missing. People tell me that im interesting and fun to talk to/be around. They tell me that i have my way, that im one of those charming guys thats disarming and scary at the same time. I've lost the number of ways i've been described so i wont even begin there. BUT something is missing and i dont know what, and im not sure how i ever found i was missing it but i recognize it now, I've seen the face of the man i want to be and hes wearing that smile that i love, the one that shows im happy and having a good time, the one that belongs.
I miss my ex-fiance sometimes and this bugs me, it doesn't bug me because i can never have her back but because i dont even want her back, i've done and left that behind. I feel guilty for missing her because there is someone else i love dearly and want to be with but things get in the way and complications all around. I realize that its not HER that i miss, my ex, but its that happy part of me. I can't quite explain it but i was happiest with her, it felt right being there next to her, it felt good being part of that relationship having someone with me. I know what im missing and i see the wound opening further, i MISS having that person that completes me, that is able to hold my world down around me as i drift off into time. My routine is crazy, most people would love to be able to secure the free time that i do but i LOVE IT when something random happens, a friend pulls me off to go to the movies, someone calls into work and i go into work for them. Overall I've lost a part of myself, i've lost my real happiness and until i can find it, i'm not sure if i could ever really be HAPPY as i want to be.
"I look into the mirror and see me, not as i was or am, but as i could have been. I see the scars of the future and the pain it holds, but its that inviting smile, that aura of HOME that it inbides. So i stretch out wanting to know its feel, wanting to find my real place in life. Glass cracks and shatters. Hands are held close shaking with pain and dripping blood. The glass reflects the single tear, a heart aching to be home."
Oh dont get me wrong this post is brought by a depressing mood that came over me but im STILL happy. As happy as one can be when he feels a part of him is missing. People tell me that im interesting and fun to talk to/be around. They tell me that i have my way, that im one of those charming guys thats disarming and scary at the same time. I've lost the number of ways i've been described so i wont even begin there. BUT something is missing and i dont know what, and im not sure how i ever found i was missing it but i recognize it now, I've seen the face of the man i want to be and hes wearing that smile that i love, the one that shows im happy and having a good time, the one that belongs.
I miss my ex-fiance sometimes and this bugs me, it doesn't bug me because i can never have her back but because i dont even want her back, i've done and left that behind. I feel guilty for missing her because there is someone else i love dearly and want to be with but things get in the way and complications all around. I realize that its not HER that i miss, my ex, but its that happy part of me. I can't quite explain it but i was happiest with her, it felt right being there next to her, it felt good being part of that relationship having someone with me. I know what im missing and i see the wound opening further, i MISS having that person that completes me, that is able to hold my world down around me as i drift off into time. My routine is crazy, most people would love to be able to secure the free time that i do but i LOVE IT when something random happens, a friend pulls me off to go to the movies, someone calls into work and i go into work for them. Overall I've lost a part of myself, i've lost my real happiness and until i can find it, i'm not sure if i could ever really be HAPPY as i want to be.
"I look into the mirror and see me, not as i was or am, but as i could have been. I see the scars of the future and the pain it holds, but its that inviting smile, that aura of HOME that it inbides. So i stretch out wanting to know its feel, wanting to find my real place in life. Glass cracks and shatters. Hands are held close shaking with pain and dripping blood. The glass reflects the single tear, a heart aching to be home."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Bury it
Everyone gives too much stock to their emotions, let them influence decisions and rule their lives. Its true i live by my emotions, they pull me around the world and back adn no matter how many broken bones, bruises, cuts and trauma i may suffer to myself i would never resent or regret a single decision i make. Its when the choices i make start to effect others that it really bothers me, when for some odd reason i let other inside it always, ALWAYS end wrong or goes wrong somewhere down the line. Whether it takes a day a month a year or a life time something goes wrong. So im gonna bury it deep, bury it inside, the best kept secret is when the only one who knows can't be found.
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