There are so many things in my life that i think i could change, so many things that would put me on a different course to the future. I try not to think about how crappy my life is, how uncontrolled its been in the past and how im too scared to make that leep and take a road that would be good for me. I know not where to start this change that is needed so badly, something to set my life straight so i'll just lay out everything.
Where to start is always the first question. I was born into an already failed relationship, son of a father who wanted only a piece of ass, son to a mother who cared only about herself and getting high to escape life, and brother to a sister that blames me for losing her family. The earliest parts of my life are barely a memory, the only thing left are a couple baby pictures and houses i'm told i lived in. I have scars to prove the stories, i have family to prove that im loved, i have no memories to tell me that i ever lived before the age of 6.
First thing i can remember of my life was living on a farm about half a mile away from my cousin. My cousin was really my brother we had always been together, my accomplice in everything and nothing. I remember a california king size bed in my room with no toys, a scary old tree outside the window that used to keep me up at night. I remember being sick, always feeling like crap but trying to have fun as a kid. I remember my mom puting weed in my backpack and sending me on the bus into town, her little delivery boy who didn't know better. I remember her driving me home in a van, drugged out of her mind and rolling it over in a ditch (still hills and vehicles creep me out to this day). I remember going to sleep without dinner several times because i didn't want to eat food i was allergic to. I remember all my stuff being stolen by my druggy uncles.
Ya my life was pretty tragic, i'll admit that it sucked. I went to atleast 7 different grade schools that i can remember. Lived in 10 different homes, 5 different cities/towns, and never really a family to speak of. I can remember making myself dinner(ate a lot of hot dogs and top ramen while growing up) while my mom layed in her room high out of her mind until she went to work. I remember my mom forcing me out of my grandma's with only a trashbag full of clothes. There are so many bad memories, yet thats all i remember. I dont remember the christmas's that im shown on videos, nor the birthdays where im smiling and opening my presents. I dont remember the happiness of being a kid.
Pain has etched itself into who i am, i can't avoid it, so i dont try to escape it. I've been abondoned over an abusive boyfriend, been treated like a house servant by my "adoptive" family. Been told im a genius and could accomplish great things if only i tried. I've given up so much part of my life, isolated myself from everything else because i dont want anything more to go away. Im so self conscious that i wont even make friends, afraid they might laugh at me if i asked them to hang out or find me annoying. I bring so much pain to myself and i know its bad, but i dont have the motivation to turn my life around, im simply to scared to try and fight it.
There's a turning point for me somewhere, something that i really really want to find, but im scared to find it. I can't see what im gonna do in the future, i have no ambition but to find someone who will want to spend their time with me, who will be there for me to help me through the rougher days, and someone who wont go away. I've found a girl i love and want, found someone who makes me happy, but shes so far away so hard to hold onto. i've been mean to her, said the wrong things because i have no other way of putting things out there then in the rawest and harshest of forms. I dont know how to tell her that i love her so much and it hurts me so much to say those things to her. I can't explain how lonely i am and even how much more lonely i feel in those too brief moments we are together because i know we'll just have to leave each other. I'm 22 with the emotionality of a boy, still scared and frieghtened of the world around him, not knowing what waits out there.
Im lost in the world, inside my own emotions and mind. Plagued by nightmares of a good life and happyness. I hate my life as it is, even though its the most stable its ever been, but its not enough. At this time and moment im the most helpless i've ever been and yet i have the ability to take myself to a place where i'll be happy. Im the child of lost love, child of fallen faith, son of societies worst, brother of none and all. Im the final source of pain and hurt, the source of my own end.
Where to start is always the first question. I was born into an already failed relationship, son of a father who wanted only a piece of ass, son to a mother who cared only about herself and getting high to escape life, and brother to a sister that blames me for losing her family. The earliest parts of my life are barely a memory, the only thing left are a couple baby pictures and houses i'm told i lived in. I have scars to prove the stories, i have family to prove that im loved, i have no memories to tell me that i ever lived before the age of 6.
First thing i can remember of my life was living on a farm about half a mile away from my cousin. My cousin was really my brother we had always been together, my accomplice in everything and nothing. I remember a california king size bed in my room with no toys, a scary old tree outside the window that used to keep me up at night. I remember being sick, always feeling like crap but trying to have fun as a kid. I remember my mom puting weed in my backpack and sending me on the bus into town, her little delivery boy who didn't know better. I remember her driving me home in a van, drugged out of her mind and rolling it over in a ditch (still hills and vehicles creep me out to this day). I remember going to sleep without dinner several times because i didn't want to eat food i was allergic to. I remember all my stuff being stolen by my druggy uncles.
Ya my life was pretty tragic, i'll admit that it sucked. I went to atleast 7 different grade schools that i can remember. Lived in 10 different homes, 5 different cities/towns, and never really a family to speak of. I can remember making myself dinner(ate a lot of hot dogs and top ramen while growing up) while my mom layed in her room high out of her mind until she went to work. I remember my mom forcing me out of my grandma's with only a trashbag full of clothes. There are so many bad memories, yet thats all i remember. I dont remember the christmas's that im shown on videos, nor the birthdays where im smiling and opening my presents. I dont remember the happiness of being a kid.
Pain has etched itself into who i am, i can't avoid it, so i dont try to escape it. I've been abondoned over an abusive boyfriend, been treated like a house servant by my "adoptive" family. Been told im a genius and could accomplish great things if only i tried. I've given up so much part of my life, isolated myself from everything else because i dont want anything more to go away. Im so self conscious that i wont even make friends, afraid they might laugh at me if i asked them to hang out or find me annoying. I bring so much pain to myself and i know its bad, but i dont have the motivation to turn my life around, im simply to scared to try and fight it.
There's a turning point for me somewhere, something that i really really want to find, but im scared to find it. I can't see what im gonna do in the future, i have no ambition but to find someone who will want to spend their time with me, who will be there for me to help me through the rougher days, and someone who wont go away. I've found a girl i love and want, found someone who makes me happy, but shes so far away so hard to hold onto. i've been mean to her, said the wrong things because i have no other way of putting things out there then in the rawest and harshest of forms. I dont know how to tell her that i love her so much and it hurts me so much to say those things to her. I can't explain how lonely i am and even how much more lonely i feel in those too brief moments we are together because i know we'll just have to leave each other. I'm 22 with the emotionality of a boy, still scared and frieghtened of the world around him, not knowing what waits out there.
Im lost in the world, inside my own emotions and mind. Plagued by nightmares of a good life and happyness. I hate my life as it is, even though its the most stable its ever been, but its not enough. At this time and moment im the most helpless i've ever been and yet i have the ability to take myself to a place where i'll be happy. Im the child of lost love, child of fallen faith, son of societies worst, brother of none and all. Im the final source of pain and hurt, the source of my own end.
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