There is someone in my life which i love dearly and for the first time i've ever heard he she sounded unsure. One little sentence set me back and from then on i've been trying to think of how to answer her, how to reassure her.
I don't know how to tell her everything will be fine, everything will work out as it should be, the way we want it to. I can't pull her close or hug her, i can't even pat her on the shoulder and look her in the eyes, but i can tell her that i'll promise to make everything right. She'll learn the terrors of being in love, the waking up in the morning turning over to find no one there even though you felt someone beside you the entire night. She'll know how midnights sweet caress feels, that time when its pitch black and you can feel the wind ruffle through your hair like a lovers hand. I can only tell her of these things, only whisper them in here ear, but to let her know that it'll all be real, that its not just a dream but a reality i know not. I wish i could show her my love and assure her of everything but i can't.
I wish i could move worlds, but i am not god. I wish i could find peace, but i am still alive. I wish i could live forever, but one day i'll die. I KNOW i'll find you, but for know your always in my heart.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tattoo
Well i've been thinking and thinking about a tattoo and i know that its something i absolutely want to do but im failing miserably in finding what i want to get, so for now i think its wise to postpone it and not get it this coming month.
To fall in love
Today has turned out to be a very sad and lonely day for me. I do not even have the faintest idea why but i almost feel like crying im so lonely. I spent 5 hours at work with 3 girls trying to cheer me up all night and never once did i smile or feel good, i just felt so secluded and alone. I haven't had a depressed day for a very long time and it really bothers me, it hurts almost.
Song i heard at work made me think of a little tidbit that isn't funny at all and completely with my mood. Every person in the world wants to fall in love, find that one person that will make them the happiest being in the world and just lay in their arms all through your life. Falling in love is the greatest thing in the world, feels like you've left the ground and are flying the skies above, each time i have went for the arms of another it has been but a mirage in the sky. Each time i crashed hard into the ground and found out that the worst thing about falling in love is the part where you hit the ground. Two holes have been left in this world of mine, two graves buried deep that will never be filled. These graves belong to the two girls i have loved in my life and lost. I can't help but think if the hole im digging to plant the newest seed will just be another grave, another sore spot on my beautiful world.
Life to me is a never ending road of intersections, streets, highways and paths. I know not the current path i walk but i know the places i have been. I know of the castles i have built, of the gardens i've created, tended and walked away from, and i know the people i have met and walked with. Right now i walk a road alone and have walked this road for a while now. There are those who i hold very dear and want to be with but for now their roas are close but too far to reach, and it hurts a little that i can't find my way too them. I hate that this is not a world where i can simply walk off my chosen path to be with them or select a route that will take me along side them. The one thing i fear is that it'll all be the same, that the seemingly repetitiveness of my road will occur again, run full circle and send me off into the world alone, estranged, and hurt.
All i can say to finish this off is that there is someone out there for me that i need. Someone that wants to hug me and tell me everything is alright, someone willing to walk my road even though its seemingly falling apart. I can only apologize to her right now that the road i walk is old as time, i chose not the smooth highways that send us careening through life but the old path thats broken and beaten, where one moment it could be paved the next moment a bog trying to drowned you away. She will look into my eyes though and see the truth of this path, she'll see the beauty of my gray world and then she'll know the colors that surround her, then she'll know she has finally touched my soul. Lets just hope that my road will one day be easy, lets just hope that one day my road will be full of people clapping me on the back and laughing at my antics, but for now i'll walk my road alone, endure my pain inside, and build my world one single step at a time.
Song i heard at work made me think of a little tidbit that isn't funny at all and completely with my mood. Every person in the world wants to fall in love, find that one person that will make them the happiest being in the world and just lay in their arms all through your life. Falling in love is the greatest thing in the world, feels like you've left the ground and are flying the skies above, each time i have went for the arms of another it has been but a mirage in the sky. Each time i crashed hard into the ground and found out that the worst thing about falling in love is the part where you hit the ground. Two holes have been left in this world of mine, two graves buried deep that will never be filled. These graves belong to the two girls i have loved in my life and lost. I can't help but think if the hole im digging to plant the newest seed will just be another grave, another sore spot on my beautiful world.
Life to me is a never ending road of intersections, streets, highways and paths. I know not the current path i walk but i know the places i have been. I know of the castles i have built, of the gardens i've created, tended and walked away from, and i know the people i have met and walked with. Right now i walk a road alone and have walked this road for a while now. There are those who i hold very dear and want to be with but for now their roas are close but too far to reach, and it hurts a little that i can't find my way too them. I hate that this is not a world where i can simply walk off my chosen path to be with them or select a route that will take me along side them. The one thing i fear is that it'll all be the same, that the seemingly repetitiveness of my road will occur again, run full circle and send me off into the world alone, estranged, and hurt.
All i can say to finish this off is that there is someone out there for me that i need. Someone that wants to hug me and tell me everything is alright, someone willing to walk my road even though its seemingly falling apart. I can only apologize to her right now that the road i walk is old as time, i chose not the smooth highways that send us careening through life but the old path thats broken and beaten, where one moment it could be paved the next moment a bog trying to drowned you away. She will look into my eyes though and see the truth of this path, she'll see the beauty of my gray world and then she'll know the colors that surround her, then she'll know she has finally touched my soul. Lets just hope that my road will one day be easy, lets just hope that one day my road will be full of people clapping me on the back and laughing at my antics, but for now i'll walk my road alone, endure my pain inside, and build my world one single step at a time.
Friday, March 28, 2008
To brand, or not?
So for about a month now i've been thinking and thinking about what kind of tattoo i want to get. My 21st birthday will be next month and i absolutely want to do this, i want something to remember this day considering that i probably wont remember the night, haha. So i've been brainstorming a few ideas and figured i would let all you loyal readers who have been severly disapointed help me pick or give me good ideas that i could work off of to find the one that i want.
-A Pheonix of fire except with black, purple and blue flames instead of the average one
-An old symbol of some sort, i like the idea of Loki the god of mischief/chaos, that sort of thing
-A wolf of some sort (my favorite animal)
-A Gray rose with purple tipped petals on my right arm and with vines of thorns seemingly pinning it there.
-A quote or saying on my inner forearm
the first three would most likely go on my right shoulder blade or possible right bicep. Im still unsure and have barely a month to think about it/locate someone to do it. I could wait and figure out what i want to get but that would ALMOST defeat the purpose of surviving 21 years being me.
-A Pheonix of fire except with black, purple and blue flames instead of the average one
-An old symbol of some sort, i like the idea of Loki the god of mischief/chaos, that sort of thing
-A wolf of some sort (my favorite animal)
-A Gray rose with purple tipped petals on my right arm and with vines of thorns seemingly pinning it there.
-A quote or saying on my inner forearm
the first three would most likely go on my right shoulder blade or possible right bicep. Im still unsure and have barely a month to think about it/locate someone to do it. I could wait and figure out what i want to get but that would ALMOST defeat the purpose of surviving 21 years being me.
It Never seems to go away, never seems to fail.
Ya you all know what im talking about here. Its those days when you hear someone say something, are listening to that song that you love, or watching that show that makes you laugh until you wee yourself. Its on these days, at those specific moments that you feel alive. You truly are alive at those moments not caring about anything around you or what your supposed to do, and believe me this can become a problem while driving!
The other day i was listening to the radio and a song told me exactly what i should do to make the changes to my life that i have wanted to make for so very long. Everything is explained in one simple little quote "live like you were dying", and you know i think this will solve so many peoples problems. I dont mean go out an do anything you want with no care in the world, i mean go out and experience the things in your life that you always have wanted to, the things that you've always dreamed about. If that death sentence where to come around to you would you spend the entire two months of your life worrying about when your gonna croak? PFFT! I sure and the hell wouldn't.
I like my life the way it is, its simple, easy and a little bitter sweet. I work two jobs, when im home im online playing video games and talking to my friends, talking to the girl that stubbornly wont be my girlfriend, and reading any other time. Ya bland? but its fun. I dont have a care in the world, i have responsibilities still but those come so easy when i have things to look forward to later. I tell people to get a hobby all the time and the simple answer to everyones misfortune of having fun is "I don't have time".
Now why is "I don't have time" a horrible reason to go have fun, to do something you dont want to, well because its the fact that A. they dont want to B. they lack any sense in time or C. they simply don't know how. I mean time management is something i absolutely excel at, its something that i saw was a necassary, why should i spend the 168 hours in a week not doing the things i like. Every needs time to do something they like, whether it be whack-a-mole or passing the bottle around with your friends at the fishing hole. I simply wouldn't know what to do if i had no free time. With a little scheduling, a little time management, and some now how in multitasking you could essentially keep the house clean, have your laundry all done, blast through your homework and still have plenty of time to slack off doing your favorite redundant hobby.
So little need to say that after i have made little sense in this blog that i have found a new way to try and live my life, im just not sure when im going to implement this new style and implode the old one. Soon i will be enjoying life to the fullest and experiencing everything i can. If i were dying i know what i would want to do and i know that i would get it done. I would walk out of this world with a smile on my face and everyone laughing that night as the retold tails of my misdeeds and antics throughout life.
/end of nonsense
The other day i was listening to the radio and a song told me exactly what i should do to make the changes to my life that i have wanted to make for so very long. Everything is explained in one simple little quote "live like you were dying", and you know i think this will solve so many peoples problems. I dont mean go out an do anything you want with no care in the world, i mean go out and experience the things in your life that you always have wanted to, the things that you've always dreamed about. If that death sentence where to come around to you would you spend the entire two months of your life worrying about when your gonna croak? PFFT! I sure and the hell wouldn't.
I like my life the way it is, its simple, easy and a little bitter sweet. I work two jobs, when im home im online playing video games and talking to my friends, talking to the girl that stubbornly wont be my girlfriend, and reading any other time. Ya bland? but its fun. I dont have a care in the world, i have responsibilities still but those come so easy when i have things to look forward to later. I tell people to get a hobby all the time and the simple answer to everyones misfortune of having fun is "I don't have time".
Now why is "I don't have time" a horrible reason to go have fun, to do something you dont want to, well because its the fact that A. they dont want to B. they lack any sense in time or C. they simply don't know how. I mean time management is something i absolutely excel at, its something that i saw was a necassary, why should i spend the 168 hours in a week not doing the things i like. Every needs time to do something they like, whether it be whack-a-mole or passing the bottle around with your friends at the fishing hole. I simply wouldn't know what to do if i had no free time. With a little scheduling, a little time management, and some now how in multitasking you could essentially keep the house clean, have your laundry all done, blast through your homework and still have plenty of time to slack off doing your favorite redundant hobby.
So little need to say that after i have made little sense in this blog that i have found a new way to try and live my life, im just not sure when im going to implement this new style and implode the old one. Soon i will be enjoying life to the fullest and experiencing everything i can. If i were dying i know what i would want to do and i know that i would get it done. I would walk out of this world with a smile on my face and everyone laughing that night as the retold tails of my misdeeds and antics throughout life.
/end of nonsense
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