I dont wanna

I can't take it anymore. I hate being the responsible kid, the one that never does anything wrong besides maybe forgets to take out the garbage cause hes playing a video game. I HATE being the one that holds a full-time or 2 jobs at a time. I want to be a GOD DAMN KID. I want to go out and party without getting disapproving looks from my family because im the good child. I wonder how my family sees me, how they percieve me as this angelic guy. I hold myself up in their image trying to please them, trying to make everyone around me happy, but i simply can't take it anymore. Im gonna throw on some clothes one day and not come back for a week. Disappear off the face of the earth and i'll love every minute, and i'll hold sacred every second. Im 21 and already have a routine, what days i pay my bills, what days i work and what days i have to do lawn work. I know what days i could possibly go out and have fun and for how long. There isn't one spontateous bone in my entire body. I just wish that someone would come and pull me out by my hair. Rip me into their world.
I've figured it out, finally. I need to be free, even if it hurts those around me. I can endure the pain from seeing the saddened faces and the disappointed looks. IM TIRED of being so angelic and nice. I strive for more then i want. People ask me what i want in life and my answer is so simple its stupid. I want a job, i want someone to hold and hold me at night, i maybe want a few rugrats to keep me busy. It would be so simple, so easy, so me. I dont care if i was shoveling shit for 50 hours a week so long as i had those other things. Those are the things that make my world, those are the things that'll make me as happy as i want to be. So i ask all you that read this, NO i dare you. Come find me and see if you have what it takes to live in my world, see if you can live this simple and carefree life. Lol and if you think im complicated then your looking through the eyes of someone who looks too far.

Missing or Lost

Im tired of running away, from myself. I twist and turn through the roads of life hoping never to cross the roads i've already traveled, the ruins of heartbreak and the desolation of the abandonment. I hide from them and fight my way through them trying to come out unscathed and unharmed. I put up a good front, hide the cuts and scars but if you were to hold a glass up and look inside you would see the festering wounds, visages of my past.
Oh dont get me wrong this post is brought by a depressing mood that came over me but im STILL happy. As happy as one can be when he feels a part of him is missing. People tell me that im interesting and fun to talk to/be around. They tell me that i have my way, that im one of those charming guys thats disarming and scary at the same time. I've lost the number of ways i've been described so i wont even begin there. BUT something is missing and i dont know what, and im not sure how i ever found i was missing it but i recognize it now, I've seen the face of the man i want to be and hes wearing that smile that i love, the one that shows im happy and having a good time, the one that belongs.
I miss my ex-fiance sometimes and this bugs me, it doesn't bug me because i can never have her back but because i dont even want her back, i've done and left that behind. I feel guilty for missing her because there is someone else i love dearly and want to be with but things get in the way and complications all around. I realize that its not HER that i miss, my ex, but its that happy part of me. I can't quite explain it but i was happiest with her, it felt right being there next to her, it felt good being part of that relationship having someone with me. I know what im missing and i see the wound opening further, i MISS having that person that completes me, that is able to hold my world down around me as i drift off into time. My routine is crazy, most people would love to be able to secure the free time that i do but i LOVE IT when something random happens, a friend pulls me off to go to the movies, someone calls into work and i go into work for them. Overall I've lost a part of myself, i've lost my real happiness and until i can find it, i'm not sure if i could ever really be HAPPY as i want to be.

"I look into the mirror and see me, not as i was or am, but as i could have been. I see the scars of the future and the pain it holds, but its that inviting smile, that aura of HOME that it inbides. So i stretch out wanting to know its feel, wanting to find my real place in life. Glass cracks and shatters. Hands are held close shaking with pain and dripping blood. The glass reflects the single tear, a heart aching to be home."

Bury it

Everyone gives too much stock to their emotions, let them influence decisions and rule their lives. Its true i live by my emotions, they pull me around the world and back adn no matter how many broken bones, bruises, cuts and trauma i may suffer to myself i would never resent or regret a single decision i make. Its when the choices i make start to effect others that it really bothers me, when for some odd reason i let other inside it always, ALWAYS end wrong or goes wrong somewhere down the line. Whether it takes a day a month a year or a life time something goes wrong. So im gonna bury it deep, bury it inside, the best kept secret is when the only one who knows can't be found.