Im tired of running away, from myself. I twist and turn through the roads of life hoping never to cross the roads i've already traveled, the ruins of heartbreak and the desolation of the abandonment. I hide from them and fight my way through them trying to come out unscathed and unharmed. I put up a good front, hide the cuts and scars but if you were to hold a glass up and look inside you would see the festering wounds, visages of my past.
Oh dont get me wrong this post is brought by a depressing mood that came over me but im STILL happy. As happy as one can be when he feels a part of him is missing. People tell me that im interesting and fun to talk to/be around. They tell me that i have my way, that im one of those charming guys thats disarming and scary at the same time. I've lost the number of ways i've been described so i wont even begin there. BUT something is missing and i dont know what, and im not sure how i ever found i was missing it but i recognize it now, I've seen the face of the man i want to be and hes wearing that smile that i love, the one that shows im happy and having a good time, the one that belongs.
I miss my ex-fiance sometimes and this bugs me, it doesn't bug me because i can never have her back but because i dont even want her back, i've done and left that behind. I feel guilty for missing her because there is someone else i love dearly and want to be with but things get in the way and complications all around. I realize that its not HER that i miss, my ex, but its that happy part of me. I can't quite explain it but i was happiest with her, it felt right being there next to her, it felt good being part of that relationship having someone with me. I know what im missing and i see the wound opening further, i MISS having that person that completes me, that is able to hold my world down around me as i drift off into time. My routine is crazy, most people would love to be able to secure the free time that i do but i LOVE IT when something random happens, a friend pulls me off to go to the movies, someone calls into work and i go into work for them. Overall I've lost a part of myself, i've lost my real happiness and until i can find it, i'm not sure if i could ever really be HAPPY as i want to be.
"I look into the mirror and see me, not as i was or am, but as i could have been. I see the scars of the future and the pain it holds, but its that inviting smile, that aura of HOME that it inbides. So i stretch out wanting to know its feel, wanting to find my real place in life. Glass cracks and shatters. Hands are held close shaking with pain and dripping blood. The glass reflects the single tear, a heart aching to be home."
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