I dont wanna

I can't take it anymore. I hate being the responsible kid, the one that never does anything wrong besides maybe forgets to take out the garbage cause hes playing a video game. I HATE being the one that holds a full-time or 2 jobs at a time. I want to be a GOD DAMN KID. I want to go out and party without getting disapproving looks from my family because im the good child. I wonder how my family sees me, how they percieve me as this angelic guy. I hold myself up in their image trying to please them, trying to make everyone around me happy, but i simply can't take it anymore. Im gonna throw on some clothes one day and not come back for a week. Disappear off the face of the earth and i'll love every minute, and i'll hold sacred every second. Im 21 and already have a routine, what days i pay my bills, what days i work and what days i have to do lawn work. I know what days i could possibly go out and have fun and for how long. There isn't one spontateous bone in my entire body. I just wish that someone would come and pull me out by my hair. Rip me into their world.
I've figured it out, finally. I need to be free, even if it hurts those around me. I can endure the pain from seeing the saddened faces and the disappointed looks. IM TIRED of being so angelic and nice. I strive for more then i want. People ask me what i want in life and my answer is so simple its stupid. I want a job, i want someone to hold and hold me at night, i maybe want a few rugrats to keep me busy. It would be so simple, so easy, so me. I dont care if i was shoveling shit for 50 hours a week so long as i had those other things. Those are the things that make my world, those are the things that'll make me as happy as i want to be. So i ask all you that read this, NO i dare you. Come find me and see if you have what it takes to live in my world, see if you can live this simple and carefree life. Lol and if you think im complicated then your looking through the eyes of someone who looks too far.

Missing or Lost

Im tired of running away, from myself. I twist and turn through the roads of life hoping never to cross the roads i've already traveled, the ruins of heartbreak and the desolation of the abandonment. I hide from them and fight my way through them trying to come out unscathed and unharmed. I put up a good front, hide the cuts and scars but if you were to hold a glass up and look inside you would see the festering wounds, visages of my past.
Oh dont get me wrong this post is brought by a depressing mood that came over me but im STILL happy. As happy as one can be when he feels a part of him is missing. People tell me that im interesting and fun to talk to/be around. They tell me that i have my way, that im one of those charming guys thats disarming and scary at the same time. I've lost the number of ways i've been described so i wont even begin there. BUT something is missing and i dont know what, and im not sure how i ever found i was missing it but i recognize it now, I've seen the face of the man i want to be and hes wearing that smile that i love, the one that shows im happy and having a good time, the one that belongs.
I miss my ex-fiance sometimes and this bugs me, it doesn't bug me because i can never have her back but because i dont even want her back, i've done and left that behind. I feel guilty for missing her because there is someone else i love dearly and want to be with but things get in the way and complications all around. I realize that its not HER that i miss, my ex, but its that happy part of me. I can't quite explain it but i was happiest with her, it felt right being there next to her, it felt good being part of that relationship having someone with me. I know what im missing and i see the wound opening further, i MISS having that person that completes me, that is able to hold my world down around me as i drift off into time. My routine is crazy, most people would love to be able to secure the free time that i do but i LOVE IT when something random happens, a friend pulls me off to go to the movies, someone calls into work and i go into work for them. Overall I've lost a part of myself, i've lost my real happiness and until i can find it, i'm not sure if i could ever really be HAPPY as i want to be.

"I look into the mirror and see me, not as i was or am, but as i could have been. I see the scars of the future and the pain it holds, but its that inviting smile, that aura of HOME that it inbides. So i stretch out wanting to know its feel, wanting to find my real place in life. Glass cracks and shatters. Hands are held close shaking with pain and dripping blood. The glass reflects the single tear, a heart aching to be home."

Bury it

Everyone gives too much stock to their emotions, let them influence decisions and rule their lives. Its true i live by my emotions, they pull me around the world and back adn no matter how many broken bones, bruises, cuts and trauma i may suffer to myself i would never resent or regret a single decision i make. Its when the choices i make start to effect others that it really bothers me, when for some odd reason i let other inside it always, ALWAYS end wrong or goes wrong somewhere down the line. Whether it takes a day a month a year or a life time something goes wrong. So im gonna bury it deep, bury it inside, the best kept secret is when the only one who knows can't be found.

Hobbies

Well if you all didn't know by now i am a gigantic flipping geek! Ya so i haven't posted in a while and this girl is biotching that i NEVER post so im posting, about what? WOW ;)

My current hobby at the moment besides reading is playing World of Warcraft. This week has been great for my guild not only did we down Anetheron but we finally burned Vashj. This is great news because it means we're all progressing and we've only been raiding consistantly now for 3 weeks. Im hoping this bodes well and we push through to end game content before the new expansion and get our names on the books in the new expansion for progression.

ok now that i lost all my avid readers lets recap over my real life for a few seconds. Everything is going good, looking into picking up a third job, yay! An old friend got a hold of me and we're chit chatting some, im looking forward to go on a vacation sometime this summer and finding a real hotty waiting for me hopefully, ya you :p.

Stop and Stare

There is someone in my life which i love dearly and for the first time i've ever heard he she sounded unsure. One little sentence set me back and from then on i've been trying to think of how to answer her, how to reassure her.
I don't know how to tell her everything will be fine, everything will work out as it should be, the way we want it to. I can't pull her close or hug her, i can't even pat her on the shoulder and look her in the eyes, but i can tell her that i'll promise to make everything right. She'll learn the terrors of being in love, the waking up in the morning turning over to find no one there even though you felt someone beside you the entire night. She'll know how midnights sweet caress feels, that time when its pitch black and you can feel the wind ruffle through your hair like a lovers hand. I can only tell her of these things, only whisper them in here ear, but to let her know that it'll all be real, that its not just a dream but a reality i know not. I wish i could show her my love and assure her of everything but i can't.
I wish i could move worlds, but i am not god. I wish i could find peace, but i am still alive. I wish i could live forever, but one day i'll die. I KNOW i'll find you, but for know your always in my heart.

Tattoo

Well i've been thinking and thinking about a tattoo and i know that its something i absolutely want to do but im failing miserably in finding what i want to get, so for now i think its wise to postpone it and not get it this coming month.

To fall in love

Today has turned out to be a very sad and lonely day for me. I do not even have the faintest idea why but i almost feel like crying im so lonely. I spent 5 hours at work with 3 girls trying to cheer me up all night and never once did i smile or feel good, i just felt so secluded and alone. I haven't had a depressed day for a very long time and it really bothers me, it hurts almost.
Song i heard at work made me think of a little tidbit that isn't funny at all and completely with my mood. Every person in the world wants to fall in love, find that one person that will make them the happiest being in the world and just lay in their arms all through your life. Falling in love is the greatest thing in the world, feels like you've left the ground and are flying the skies above, each time i have went for the arms of another it has been but a mirage in the sky. Each time i crashed hard into the ground and found out that the worst thing about falling in love is the part where you hit the ground. Two holes have been left in this world of mine, two graves buried deep that will never be filled. These graves belong to the two girls i have loved in my life and lost. I can't help but think if the hole im digging to plant the newest seed will just be another grave, another sore spot on my beautiful world.
Life to me is a never ending road of intersections, streets, highways and paths. I know not the current path i walk but i know the places i have been. I know of the castles i have built, of the gardens i've created, tended and walked away from, and i know the people i have met and walked with. Right now i walk a road alone and have walked this road for a while now. There are those who i hold very dear and want to be with but for now their roas are close but too far to reach, and it hurts a little that i can't find my way too them. I hate that this is not a world where i can simply walk off my chosen path to be with them or select a route that will take me along side them. The one thing i fear is that it'll all be the same, that the seemingly repetitiveness of my road will occur again, run full circle and send me off into the world alone, estranged, and hurt.
All i can say to finish this off is that there is someone out there for me that i need. Someone that wants to hug me and tell me everything is alright, someone willing to walk my road even though its seemingly falling apart. I can only apologize to her right now that the road i walk is old as time, i chose not the smooth highways that send us careening through life but the old path thats broken and beaten, where one moment it could be paved the next moment a bog trying to drowned you away. She will look into my eyes though and see the truth of this path, she'll see the beauty of my gray world and then she'll know the colors that surround her, then she'll know she has finally touched my soul. Lets just hope that my road will one day be easy, lets just hope that one day my road will be full of people clapping me on the back and laughing at my antics, but for now i'll walk my road alone, endure my pain inside, and build my world one single step at a time.

To brand, or not?

So for about a month now i've been thinking and thinking about what kind of tattoo i want to get. My 21st birthday will be next month and i absolutely want to do this, i want something to remember this day considering that i probably wont remember the night, haha. So i've been brainstorming a few ideas and figured i would let all you loyal readers who have been severly disapointed help me pick or give me good ideas that i could work off of to find the one that i want.

-A Pheonix of fire except with black, purple and blue flames instead of the average one
-An old symbol of some sort, i like the idea of Loki the god of mischief/chaos, that sort of thing
-A wolf of some sort (my favorite animal)
-A Gray rose with purple tipped petals on my right arm and with vines of thorns seemingly pinning it there.
-A quote or saying on my inner forearm

the first three would most likely go on my right shoulder blade or possible right bicep. Im still unsure and have barely a month to think about it/locate someone to do it. I could wait and figure out what i want to get but that would ALMOST defeat the purpose of surviving 21 years being me.

It Never seems to go away, never seems to fail.

Ya you all know what im talking about here. Its those days when you hear someone say something, are listening to that song that you love, or watching that show that makes you laugh until you wee yourself. Its on these days, at those specific moments that you feel alive. You truly are alive at those moments not caring about anything around you or what your supposed to do, and believe me this can become a problem while driving!
The other day i was listening to the radio and a song told me exactly what i should do to make the changes to my life that i have wanted to make for so very long. Everything is explained in one simple little quote "live like you were dying", and you know i think this will solve so many peoples problems. I dont mean go out an do anything you want with no care in the world, i mean go out and experience the things in your life that you always have wanted to, the things that you've always dreamed about. If that death sentence where to come around to you would you spend the entire two months of your life worrying about when your gonna croak? PFFT! I sure and the hell wouldn't.
I like my life the way it is, its simple, easy and a little bitter sweet. I work two jobs, when im home im online playing video games and talking to my friends, talking to the girl that stubbornly wont be my girlfriend, and reading any other time. Ya bland? but its fun. I dont have a care in the world, i have responsibilities still but those come so easy when i have things to look forward to later. I tell people to get a hobby all the time and the simple answer to everyones misfortune of having fun is "I don't have time".
Now why is "I don't have time" a horrible reason to go have fun, to do something you dont want to, well because its the fact that A. they dont want to B. they lack any sense in time or C. they simply don't know how. I mean time management is something i absolutely excel at, its something that i saw was a necassary, why should i spend the 168 hours in a week not doing the things i like. Every needs time to do something they like, whether it be whack-a-mole or passing the bottle around with your friends at the fishing hole. I simply wouldn't know what to do if i had no free time. With a little scheduling, a little time management, and some now how in multitasking you could essentially keep the house clean, have your laundry all done, blast through your homework and still have plenty of time to slack off doing your favorite redundant hobby.
So little need to say that after i have made little sense in this blog that i have found a new way to try and live my life, im just not sure when im going to implement this new style and implode the old one. Soon i will be enjoying life to the fullest and experiencing everything i can. If i were dying i know what i would want to do and i know that i would get it done. I would walk out of this world with a smile on my face and everyone laughing that night as the retold tails of my misdeeds and antics throughout life.

/end of nonsense

Cruel Love

There are many things in your life that you learn to love. The beer and pizza every monday night at your friends house watching the game, dinner at your grandma's where you know she'll have the food you like, or a nice massage by a naked women. Although i agree these are all things one could love those are not cruel, but just and welcoming.
I seem to have stumbled upon something so cruel but addicting. I need it so badly that its hard to sleep at night, and when i wake in the morning i wish that it was there with me. Everyone says theres a time and place for what you need to happen, but damn it why can't today be the time and place, why can't everything be right for me right now. fate is such a cruel mistress, one so cruel she says only promises and then walks away when your about to explode.
I know not how to put exactly what it makes me feel but im sure you can understand, for everything running through your head, everything pushing your thoughts, and the thing that makes your heart skip a beat when you hear a few choice words is there for me too. I wish that fate were a just and good girl, but i am thinking she's bitter about being fat in high-school.

Nightmare of the day

Well i think i have encountered something that honestly scared the shite out of me. Im sure it was something that doesn't happen to people often but when it does theres nothing that will give you the shakes more and take a few years off. So i was talking to Tonya on the phone one night as she was driving out to one of her best friends birthday party at a bowling alley. So far it had been a good day for me, and i was taunting her as usual (what can i say its soooooo very fun!) When something i have experienced before happens to her but im like a silent cripple watching from the sidelines.
First thing i hear is "o shit" yes shes a very clever one. Then the phone hits something, not sure what but it hits something. Maybe she dropped the phone im thinking, just give her a second to recover. Then more clunking, rattling and finally silence. Luckily im not one to freak out or panic so here i am on the phone "tonya?"......."tonya?!"........ and ofcourse the tauntingness of it shes says my name but as a question. At this point i have figured out shes been in a wreck, what kind of wreck i have no clue. Im worried, shaking, and hoping she picks up the phone soon or someone comes to help her, cause im hopeless in this situation. First thing i think of is that she can't find the phone or isn't capable of reaching it, second thing i think of is that someone needs to help her but im useless cause i know no one in the vicinity that could go help her, third thing im thinking of is how to call 911 and explain to them that she got into a wreck and that they need to help her all the while explaining that i have NO FREAKING IDEA WHERE SHE IS AND IF SHES HURT! not really freaking out but i felt caps would make things all the more clearer.
Finally she gets to the phone, but of course im not paniced but she is. She answers the phone hello then frantically almost "I can't get out". Being level headed my simple answer is "what about the passenger door", lets just say thank god she was talking to me (she is going to kill me when she reads this!). She finally gets outside the car and starts telling me what happened and ofcourse this just makes me more worried, but she says shes "all right" and guess what? i dont believe her one bit. She hangs up with me to call her family and the police. She calls me back a little later and i harass her for atleast 15 min asking her to check herself, make sure there is no bleeding, anything is broken (besides her head which evidentally driving in snow that isn't plowed on a really cold night shows that is has been broken for quite a while now!).
So ya not quite the way i planned on recreating this circumstance but i like it, she'll kill me for it and we'll go on talking until she maims some other innocent trees. I mean really why take everything out on the trees? *runs off to hide*

When my World Turns Grey

Warning: Im slightly depressed right now so this may come out a little emo, no promises though :p.

Last couple days have been like one of those days where it just rains all the time. Theres no thunder or lightning, nothing to add sound besides the rain pattering on the ground, the clouds blotting out the sun steal most of the color from the world and the trees gently whisk from the small breeze that brought the storm in and will eventually take it out. It just feels like i am sitting there at the window seal looking out into my world, a world gone gray and i can't seem to figure out why the color went away.
I guess for someone who loves being around others and wants to find someone to be with always there comes times when they are alone that depressing sets in, that no matter how optimistic and hopefull one is they sooner or later break down their happiness shell and fall into the murky waters of despair. I have hit that mark and lets just say taking a deep breath would ultimately drowned me, so lets not think that. My friends all came home from college i got to meet a couple old ones, made a couple new ones and i can see where their lives are going. Then i look at the people that are about to graduate about to go into college and right now that is their life, if they dont get into the schools they applied for they can feel their future buckel aroudn them. I've never had this feeling, ever.
No matter how much i stare out that window into my future i can't find my place, there is just so much gray that everything seems to blend. I try desperately hard to pick out patterns, find my way through the maze, there must be some color somewhere, im tired of staring into this world, tired of staring into this life. I want to go to college and that should be a life for me, that should be a future but i have no ambition for going, im going because i know if i dont i'll just end up at some dead end job that i enjoy 20% of the time and hate the rest of the time. I dont want this because i know this job would thus effect me as a person and effect everyone i come into contact with. I dont want to find the perfect girl then watch her walk away because i make life crappy with my bad moods and attitude because im stuck somewhere i dotn want to be.
This leads me into another area, the water is starting to pile to high for me to swim and catch my breath. For the last two years of my highschool life and for the time after the only thing i have been thinking about is what i would like to be, what career i would like to do, and you know what i think im honestly screwed. Everything intrigues me, everything is interesting and every hobby i have ever taken is now sitting collecting dust. I love math and science, writing is a passion that most don't know about. On the other hand i love to talk to people to be able to meet new people each day and interact with fellow employees all around me, but most the time these are retail positions and although i like my job more then half the time i hate the companies i work for or the ethics of my bosses and the way they run the company/business/area.
So for now im stuck staring out this window into my world that is perfectly gray, and i never even stopped to notice that i was staring out not through a window but through a fish tank that i had created. I have made myself into a project of sorts, to see if i can overcome these ultimate shortcomings, and the only problem is that im not sure if i'll be able to swim out alive.

The decisions we make.

An interesting thing happened to me today. My friend told me that his company is hiring. Its an oil company and its hiring land agents. My job as a land agent basically would be to go out and talk to the farmers and land owners to get permission to test for oil on their land. This job pays 250 an hour and thats pretty damn good. 5 days a week im looking at just over 60,000 a year. The big problem is that it would require me to move to New York. New York is a 1000 miles away from anything i know besides my two friends who work for this company. I might also get moved to another area eventually. When i was talking to him on the phone i didn't know what to do, there wasn't many questions coming to mind i was wondering whether it sounded good or not.
There are 3 peoples opinions who matter to me the most upon this matter. One of them will only push me towards doing it cause she doesn't want to come off as selfish and convince me to stay here, shes a bit odd :p. My grandparents are the other two, and after talking to them today i get the idea that they think its a bad idea. The first thing my grandma says is "is it a legit company" and i had no clue what to say. My friend has been working for this company for 2 months, im pretty sure he would have found out by now if it wasn't a real company, you dont go oblivious like that for 2 months, at least not my friends. So after talking with them all i have several questions to ask that will need to be answered before i say yes or no. Like will i have a company vehicle to drive out to these owners place, is gas paid for then? Do the pay to move if they require you to do so? If theres nothing to do, do i still get paid? these are deal breakers for me, so lets hope those are all positive answers.
I was thinking that if everything turned out good that i would do this for about a year. Even at 2000 a month for living expenses that leaves me profitting about 36k in one year. Thats alot of money, atleast enough to get me a couple years in college or more. Thats one of my big problems that taking this job brings up. I want to go back to college, i quit midsemester when i was 18 and haven't went back yet, and i feel that i need to do this. The other problem is that i want stability, although this job gives me great money, the moving around doesn't give me that stability. I want to find a g/f so i can start making a possible future family, something that will be really hard to do moving around and then moving back. I moved away a year ago to be with someone i loved and that didn't work out and i realized that i had made so many mistakes in my past that i shouldn't have. I should have went back to school, i should have paved a path for my future, but i didn't. I want that ability to do so now, even if i have to take out expensive loans to pay my way through school. I want to be able to grab a job that will keep me in one place and be able to provide for me and my future family. Money isn't a big thing to me, if i have enough to get what needs to be done and just a bit extra im great. I dont need to be babied in society, i dont need the sports car and big screen tv, i just need people around me that i love and care for. In the year i planned on turning things i went wrong around in, i get this big wrench thrown in. It could mean great possibilities, but it could also ruin so many others for me. So now im stuck, i think when i go in to talk to my friend it'll help me decide my answer. Thanks for listening again to my ranting.